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Is Jesus a Republican?
By: James P Krehbiel

As I ponder decisions on an everyday basis, I ask the question, “What would Jesus do under similar circumstances?” Often, it is difficult to decipher the right answer that would lead me down the path of personal piety.

Recently, I had a dream which had a dramatic impact on my way of looking at the world. During the dream, God clearly conversed with me in an audible tone. I recall what He said because it startled me to the point of waking me out of a deep sleep. When I was finally more lucid, I recall Jesus saying to me – “I am a right-wing Republican , and you have been remiss in failing to follow in my footsteps!”

I immediately sensed that His statement would have the affect of turning my world upside down. I got up, took a shower, had breakfast and contemplated what I should do in response to this perplexing news. Immediately my mind flashed to Pat Robertson, the preacher from The 700 Club who miraculously leg-pressed 2000lbs. If anyone could confirm the veracity of my synchronistic, spiritual experience it would Reverend Robertson. It was Pat Robertson, along with Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and others who had ample experience with this issue of divine intervention. So I contacted Pat Robertson to make sure that I was not delusional. Pat emailed me back providing me with confirmation that I was clearly hearing the voice of God.

Trusting Pat's wisdom regarding my pipeline to the Almighty, I realized that indeed Jesus had talked to me and was staking His claim as a bonifide right-wing Republican. My mind then aimlessly wandered to another thought. What changes was I supposed to make in response to this dramatic disclosure? In order to follow in His footsteps, what issue did I need to proclaim with evangelical fervor? Numerous ideas flooded my mind. If I was to be God's vessel, I needed to:

• Dissociate myself from any vestiges of Hollywood . Burn all of my CD's with the exception of my Bon Jovi collection.
• Renounce global warming since it is the brain-child of internet guru Albert Gore .
• No longer watch The Oprah Show.
• Practice the word abomination. Write it ten times in a sentence for a week.
• Learn to think black and white without being wishy-washy.
• Believe in my beliefs even if they contradict my experience.
• Embrace the euphemism of pro-life even though it is inconsistent with the eyes of despair and death from pre-emptive war.
• Believe that the United States is the only country that receives God's special blessing and favor.
• Profess that the axis of evil only exists in the hearts and minds of other countries, never our own.
• Believe that some sins are worse than others, especially the Big Three.
• Renounce the concept of separation of church and state because our country was founded on Christian principles. Faith-based initiatives should receive tax breaks even if they are exclusionary.
• Keep the government out of dictating whatever people want to do even if it hurts themselves or others.

As I pondered my new list of proclamations, I felt a sense of relief. All of my new “talking points” were simple and understandable. God had delivered His message. Jesus was as right-wing Republican and He had given me a new set of principles to follow. No longer a “bleeding heart liberal,” I made my way out into the community to share my new perspective.
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